Life...

I'm sure that if you were interested you could find any number of ramblings on blogs all over the internet by people who put their own meaning to life...

So I thought that I would tell anyone who visits about mine...

Let's start with this; until you know where you are you cannot look at a map and work out where you are going!

I had someone yesterday try to tell me where we need to get to on the map and I understood completely that that was where we needed to go. However I was in a new town and didn't know where I was to start with; so it was almost completely useless to tell me where I needed to get to.

This resembles life from time to time; you have a clear idea of where you want to be but because of circumstances you have absolutely no idea on how to get there. Not because you don't know how or that you don't have the means but quite simply because you don't know where you are to start with.

This will inevitably lead you to significant frustration as you try to move ahead but continue to run into barriers to your progress that you had no idea existed. If only it was as simple as pulling out a map and driving around a few blocks until you saw some street signs so that you could orient yourself. Oh for an internal GPS and a map!

I find myself in this situation at present; I am in a fantastic new relationship having recently been divorced. I have just cleared 99% of the wreckage from that previous life. I have a good job doing what I know (30 years this year of pre-hospital emergency care training and career has qualified me for it), I have signed up for a photography course which has been my passion for many years and would still like to complete the paragliding course that I started last year (Hmmm, combining all three, photography, paragliding and pre-hospital emergency care??? Maybe not!). My finances are starting to improve (anyone who has been divorced will understand) and I didn't dip below zero... So things are on the up and up.

So why do I still feel disoriented? I need to know where I am on the map; I need the GPS to kick in. I need this to happen quickly for my own sanity and for the sanity of those around me. Once I work that out it will all start to make sense again and I will believe that I can get to where I want to go; believe me when I say that that will be a relief!

Depression, post traumatic stress disorder, grief, loss and stress have all visited me in the last 18 months. I have been separated from my wife, lost my mother, lost interest in and sold my business, had to move house due to financial issues relating to all of the above, had to sell my vehicles to avoid bankruptcy. I have found a new love briefly and lost it due to all of the above, found Jacinta, found a new job and find myself trying too hard to make it back to the top of the pile which just seems to be straining everything.

The only thing I haven’t done so far is to find myself…

I said to my sister at one stage last year that if anyone else told me “take it one day at a time” I would have to kill them with a dessert spoon! In reality however, that is really the only way to do it; you can’t hit fast forward and skip to the next episode.

I think too much about what I would like and I am trying too hard to get there. I am not sure yet where I am and as a result I am spinning my wheels and trying to catch everything and hang on to it for dear life. I have lost too much recently.

I need to relax…

I need to breathe…

I need to slow down and smell the roses…

I need support…

I need to lighten up…

I need to realise that I need time and that it will happen one day at a time…

I need to help myself…

I need to find my location on the map…

Once I’ve done that there will be no stopping me, I will have my mojo back!